Some of you will have watched the extraordinary series on Channel 4 last autumn called 'Bringing up baby' in which 3 different methods of baby management were 'tested' by experts on 6 families with new babies. Some of it was pretty extreme and caused a stir in the media at the time. But even if you didn't see it read on because the series covered many of the issues that new parents are concerned about...
The first 'expert' advocated a strict routine and I mean strict. Only four hourly feeds and no touching the baby in between. It was heartbreaking to watch the crying Mum being brainwashed into thinking that all that separation was 'the best thing for the baby.' This lady made Gina Ford*, the 'queen of routine' sound like a big softie.
At the other extreme was the 'continuum concept' lady who coaches parents in the ways of tribal societies, breastfeeding on demand, bedsharing and never putting baby down, so that the baby is permanently in physical contact with the mother (or father) until it is ready to crawl.
In between the two was a third mentor who advocated finding a balance between mother and baby's needs. She didn't get so much coverage (TV favours extremism) but seemed curiously old fashioned in that she didn't think it was right to breastfeed in public...(so if you want to breastfeed you have to chain yourself inside...?). As a babymentor myself I thought if might be useful to take a dispassionate look at these methods and the issues they raise.
Bonding
The routine expert advocated strict four hourly feeds and sleep routine which she argued was disrupted by picking babies up 'off schedule'. Although her routine 'worked' and babies did sleep well and parents were happy with the method in the end, personally I found the idea of limiting contact with a newborn very hard to stomach. The vast majority of baby and child experts, drawing an established body of research, believe that it is important for a baby and a parent to bond. They do this by physical contact (cuddling and feeding) and eye contact. Babies who do not have the opportunity to bond make for less secure children and adults. Luckily most of us instinctively want to hold and look at our babies, so we don't need persuading on this point. I cannot see either a logical or instinctual justification for rationing or limiting the amount of contact between a baby and its parent. (For an introduction to the theory and research of bonding and why it's important try www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMTIlXavtqU).
Routines
I know many people think routines are evil but this is to throw the baby out with the bath water. Babies do thrive on a predictable universe (so do many of us). I've had clients who have found a routine has got them out of the baby blues. By finding a structure to their day they have been able to plan some 'me' time and find their equilibrium again. I do believe this possible to achieve without leaving a baby to cry for hours and restricting contact, I call it the 'middle way.
Briefly, with newborns, a rough rule of thumb is that they will need to feed roughly every three hours and most cannot stay awake for much more than an hour. This means sometime soon after the baby has had feed and a change they'll be ready for another kip.The key to success is reading the baby's sleep cues and settling them for sleep before they have got overtired and find it hard to settle. Ideally you want to avoid feeding when baby is really tired because then they don't take a full feed or get a really good sleep (because they wake up hungry). This is where Gina Ford's routines are useful as a guide. I say guide, because it is easy, and I've seen it many times, to get hung up on the routine. Not all babies are the same and some days are just a muddle. That's the way it is and if you can relax with that you won't stressed.
As the weeks and months go by and you learn your baby's cues (they also get clearer) a rhythm or a pattern emerges. Once you've got the hang of your baby's rhythm you are then able to manipulate it when you need to, for example so that feed or sleep times don't coincide with when you have to fetch other children from school. There's a lot more to say on how to do this but in summary, I prefer to think of finding a rhythm rather than a routine because a rhythm allows flexibility (and creativity) where a routine does not.
The continuum method
There is a powerful logic in the argument that for most of human evolution babies have been nurtured in the tribal way. I hope I have established that close loving contact is essential for babies. Many happy mothers have nurtured their children using the continuum concept successfully.
I have two concerns with this method . The first is that in tribal societies childcare is shared between many or several people. This is sadly not the case in our society. It is the mother, and the mother alone, in general who has to sustain this level of contact with baby advocated by the continuum theorists. If mother can cope and is well supported then all is hunky dory but this method is highly demanding on the mother's energy. It also needs a very supportive partner (if the mother is in a relationship) and is particularly demanding if there are other children to care for. With any 'method', there is a danger of sense of 'failure' if that particular method is not achievable.
The second is that underlying this theory appears to be an assumption that unless the baby is in constant physical contact it will feel insecure. Therefore it suggests, infants are inherently insecure. If this is your underlying belief as a parent, could you end up undermining your baby's trust in the world? In other words if you are following this method out of fear that your baby won't be secure without constant physical contact then you could be defeating the object. If, of course, you feel fantastically confident that baby is getting exactly what it needs and you are enjoying the method, then no problem.
With all these methods, remember they are just somebody's point of view. Ultimately no-one has absolute knowledge of what exactly babies need. Food, sleep, nappy changes and love are all we can be certain of. They need love and contact, we know that instinctively and rationally but how much is enough? Do they need 24 hour continuous physical contact to feel secure? Whatever the claims of the continuum experts no-one actually knows. And thank God in a way. In that gap, that uncertainty, is permission to try things out, a creative challenge if you like, to find the way that fosters for you, a happy baby and confident Mum.
The third way
Although the third 'expert' seemed a little old fashioned and was not so well covered in the programme, her 'method' did in principle seem pretty sound; that is trusting your instincts and finding a balance between mother's and babies needs.
There's a lot to be said for trusting your instincts but my experience is that instinct is something parents develop rather than inherit with the birth of a baby. New parents can feel left at sea when told 'trust your instincts'. Many of us need support and advice from others experienced with babies until we get the hang of them ourselves and develop our own instincts, which we do with time and confidence.
On finding a balance between mothers and babies needs. Well, its common sense isn't it that they are bound up with each other? Its a kind of unhelpful, muddly thinking to see these as separate.
Let me explain by example. Let's take a really loving Mum, every time baby cries day or night she feeds him thinking this is what he needs. After a while she gets so exhausted (and a recent study showed that Mums of new babies survive on an average of 3 1/2 hours of sleep a night) that she becomes depressed and tearful. We know from studies that depressed Mums are less responsive to their babies. So who is benefiting here? Does the Mum need to sleep or does the baby need her to sleep? Can we really separate the two needs? Looked at this way the answer is no. It is common sense that both must be thriving for either to be well.
In order to look after babies Mums need to look after themselves. So if that means putting the baby in a pram for a sleep so Mum can have a relaxing bath by herself (the continuum compromise) or feeding the baby off schedule because Mum's breasts are engorged and she doesn't want to get mastitis (the method compromise); is that failure or common sense? My feeling is that bringing up a baby is the most wonderful and demanding challenge and Mums need to be supported to find the way that suits them and their growing family best. What do you think?
*Gina Ford is author of 'The contented baby' and advocates a series of age specific routines and how to follow them
